Working on being weird

Yesterday was just one of those perfect Hawaii days.

I woke up at my favorite spot on the island, and earth, Kealekekua Bay. I came here with my dad when he visited and it's the actual location where I fell in love with the ocean. I have old drama there I was worried would affect my experience, but it didn't. I was so glad to be back a smile was on my face the second my ride got me down the hill into the bay. She told me of a pepto-bismol pink hotel I'm to stay in if I go to the Kona coffee belt region.

Felt 100x more comfortable at this place. Was able to relax. Squeaky island trucks pass, but I was comfortable just making my presence known. I'm starting to get my wits about me, too.

Then, a car pulls in. To my spot. Do they see me? It's about 10pm now, but people come to fish pretty late. And the person gets out and starts on with a flashlight, so I can't see anything. I say hey and she goes "Hi, I'm Ashley." She was there to fish, and shared with me something I'd just ran out of. We hung out and laughed for a bit which was a nice break from the stray cat like relationship with society I've been having.

I woke up and just sat and watched the waves crash into the crags of the fractured lava rock. The lava rock turns a pink fleshy color where it is washed by the ocean, like flesh left in water might. The waves push an enormous amount of water onto the ledges, and then it rushes off, over and over. And just the power of the moving water is memorizing. Finally the sun hit the water and then its ON. So amazing. Swimming upside down. Sunlight filtering through aquamarine water. On a lava black backdrop. Reef fishes aplenty.

I see jimmy rock, the van-living beach guy.. I met him here at K-bay with the Ahu Lani group a month ago and he made us dinner. He's like me, but he has a van and is in it for the long haul. He'd broke down and has been sitting at the bottom of the valley for 5 days. Was nice to catch up. Then, on my walk to the beach park a local kid offers me a ride and takes care of me (even some for later!). It's little acts like that that fill me up to the brim. People are nice down here, and they watch out. That same kid ended up picking me up again later, too.

I get to the rocky bay a mile from the campsite and I see dolphins. In reach. Now its on. I get on my goggles and get in the water. Except I'm getting picked up and set into the rocks. Ouch. Then, waves bigger than I know what to do with. Then, damn! those dolphins looked a lot closer from land...

I fled. I'm not gonna push it alone that shit is scary. I at least need fins so I have some power, I didn't see anyone else trying without gear. Oh well. Anyway, I hate drowning.

I noticed I forgot my necklace so I had to go back (I'm walking on blisters now) and get it from my campsite. I chilled for a few more hours with Ashley and her puppy. Then hit the road to my hostel.

Oi 2 days ago I got stuck in Kailua-Kona, the vortex where you always spend more money and time than you anticipate. And I ended up in a HOTEL. Ouch $. I made sure to enjoy every minute of it, and had something I haven't since I left for Hawai'i on May 2nd, 2011: a bath. A candlelit bath. I took advantage of every amenity I could and took a moment to clean my room and leave behind some aloha, which as always has paid off in spades.


I read this thing by the guy from Owl City about introversion. A pugnacious piece about how extroversion centric our society is. He opened my mind a tiny little bit because I'd never thought of being... proud of my introversion? Of the inner world?

And that's what I'm here to do, I'm seeing. I set off, in a way, to learn how to be decent to people. I'm tired of being an angsty asshole. And I'm seeing some.. value in giving some dignity to my inner world. I usually just treat it like a dumping ground, dragging it for something of value to the external world. What can I bring up from here that's of worth to someone else?

Truly, I feel like I've been laying out my wares on a sheet on the sidewalk and asking if others like anything I have. (read: desperately -- please, please like what I have!) And it feels like an urgent need. Like, I need someone to validate this stuff for me. Of course I know my history and once someone does, they are of no use to me! Selfish, insatiable ego.

On the beach I have time to just sit with my emotions. Watch them arise, pass away. Rise, pass away. I'd say the meditation retreat has really given me more flexibility in this area -- I'm not so reactive. I can "see the other side" of an unpleasant feeling more easily, so I don't need to be so freaked out / change what I'm doing just because of it. There is a familiarity that comes from simple awareness that, seemingly without any intention, leads to making better choices. On the beach there are no easy distractions. No easy escape. (And importantly: no will-power drain in trying to avoid distractions, either.)

And once I'm feeling OK in my internal space, I can take-it-or-leave-it when it comes to other people. And it turns out if I just chill out and find my places where I'm comfortable, I'll find people. Or they find me, as happened. I also met a young lady traveler at the hostel who uses words like 'analogous' both casually and correctly, which gets me going. Nice to be reminded there are 'right people' out there, even without our paths converging further (but, there's still time!) And to be present enough to have a real conversation, confident to take risks and not be "impressive," is a thing.

Finally, for those of you out in blog wasteland with me 3 pages below the fold, I went to ecstatic dance last night. It's something I've had to do for a while now, from Jenni, who planted in me the idea I can't shake: that which you resist, you should do. I decided I would, but I'd go alone.

Ecstatic dance is.. dancing. Without talking, and with some interaction if you want. But it's just supposed to be free dancing. We all hold hands in a circle and set an intention to open.

The dance was what I expected, new age music with old white folks making huge arm gestures. It was nerve-wracking at first, then easy enough. It's all an experience in self-consciousness. Trying to have a "natural" reaction to the music through/past/during the awareness of being in public (or private -- ever try to dance like an idiot in private and feel embarrassed? What is that??) For the upbeat songs it was downright fun.

I'm aiming to go to the bigger, outdoor one this Sunday. In Puna on the other side of the island.