Cognitive dissonance and dreams

tl;dr I miss being in school

I did free yoga in Waimea yesterday. Then as my evening progressed, I got things I'd asked for. Like, I literally asked the universe for something and it came almost exactly as. I let myself get excited, but my literal mind maintains incredulity. So don't worry. Saw a gorgeous sunset. Wish I could take pictures, because the caption for the picture of that sunset would be "Homelessness.. what's the problem?"

I listened to a podcast on cognitive dissonance before "bed." Got me thinking.

Cognitive dissonance is the discomfort associated with behaving in a way inconsistent with our beliefs. What if we ignore our dreams?

What is the consequence of years of 'dissonance reducing'? Re-framing your life so you're comfortable with it, rationalizing the delay. Maybe dreams nag less as you get older...

One angle is: follow your dreams!

Another is: wtf dreams, this is my life, who are you??

Seriously, what are they? There's an arbitrariness to the content of dreams that makes me want to do away with the whole idea. Why would I let beliefs formed when I had less information guide my actions today? My context could be way different from what I expected, so why use outdated orders?

Turns out, whatever the reason, dreams are resilient. Annoyingly resilient. There's an almost instant boost in vitality for me when I take a step toward something I actually care about. And a persistent nagging when I'm not. But I also have to believe that I could follow all the way through. To actually believe that I will do each subsequent important step toward success. But fears present themselves as facts so it looks matter-of-fact that I couldn't accomplish something.

And to unpack that a bit: That's everything that is mental wellbeing. So it's easy to write in a sentence, but that's not the kind of 'realization' that has any punch when you're blanking along in quotidian ambivalence. Which I've managed to do at times even while living out of a backpack on a tropical island.

Whatever. Maybe this is the trick to The Secret, which I don't' know "how" to do because I've never read it. I'm just trying to phrase my plans in terms of somewhat vague wishes and seeing what happens. I suspect maybe there's something to recognizing a pivital moment to turn towards what you want, and having the "courage" to do it. Maybe just maybe, instead of saying "Is this even worth it? Why take this risk/step when I don't think I can do xxx later on?" (Or plainly: "I will fail.") you say to yourself "Hm, this is the universe presenting me what I'd asked for, so grab it."

disclosure: first morning cup of coffee stimulated reasoning.

Anyway, I found it all charming. And I'm getting comfortable admitting to myself I even have dreams. And... hm. I woke up this morning and sat for a half an hour during the sunrise, off in a secret thicket I camp at. Then I had fruit and water-bottle brewed tea, hiked back to Mau'umae Beach, and swam with a few turtles and some schools of fish. More free yoga in Waimea today. Snooooooooooze button on life.

Writing and sleeping in beds

I haven't been without a bed for the last few nights... not bad. And my hair looks like a person's hair now.

Stayed in Cinderland for 2 days. A sort of hippy center, an "unintentional living community" as Jesus the owner puts it. I'm not sure what to say about it because I'm short on time here at McDonalds -- Getting a little stink eye for smelling like a wet dog and spending $1.04 for 5 hours of wifi.

Very open people, very warm and touchy. Apparently, I can't handle that in such high doses because I learned that wasn't the place for me. But... I had a good time nonetheless. These people camp in half domesticated jungle.. some for life. One guy was perfecting his banana bread lava oven. A few single mothers were there with children. It becomes a place for travelers to kind of crash, but they ask $5 or $10 a night depending on if you take a bed or camp. Not bad.

A guy asked me to show him some yoga there at their studio, so I did. It was awesome. I liked doing it.

Then I cruised over to Hilo town, to my favorite hostel, Hilo Bay Hostel. There, I met Lily, who became my first "stranger" to write with me. So we wrote for 20 minutes and shared. That was exciting, and laid the groundwork for some good conversation and chilling. I'd say the first time since walkabout that I haven't felt alone. And, probably the least alone I've felt since coming to Hawaii. Good conversation is hard to find these days... But I'm glad to have the patience to wait for my right people, rather than desperately clinging / thinking I fit in nowhere.

Did pilates yesterday with Lily from my fav yoga teacher here. Got such a high from it, from bringing my private practice back into the studio. Really shows me what I've learned about my own body. So excited.

Lily did reiki on my arm... under the banyan tree in the dark, by where the river runs into the ocean. She's attuned to level 3, which is rare. It feels better today, and has been on the rebound for the last couple days. I can't even stress how important it is that I don't take that as a sign to abuse it. I keep doing that. KEEP doing that. Over and over. I'm not sure what to do... maybe magic marker DO NOT USE on my hand lol.

Crashed at my buddy Travis' house in Hilo last night. I ALSO got him to write! It was hilarious, because he wrote creatively and mine was characteristically journal-like. When i asked him what he thought about mine, he said "uhh.. it was pretty personal." What a cool thing it has been to kind of hoist that on people around me and see what people do with it. He got something out of it though, because he's got some creative ideas he wants to expand on. I'm sure he thought I was nuts.

So, there ya go. Had to walk in the rain this morning so I'm sitting here at McD's smelling horrible... my shoes got soaked. I'm quickly running out of money and need to figure out what I'm doing. But.. I applied to a job in Illinois yesterday, did hours of paid work this morning while drying. Have plans to camp with Adam in Waipio tonight, and the door is open at Ahu Lani should I need it (confirmed.) The plan? Trust.

Woo hoo!

Working on being weird

Yesterday was just one of those perfect Hawaii days.

I woke up at my favorite spot on the island, and earth, Kealekekua Bay. I came here with my dad when he visited and it's the actual location where I fell in love with the ocean. I have old drama there I was worried would affect my experience, but it didn't. I was so glad to be back a smile was on my face the second my ride got me down the hill into the bay. She told me of a pepto-bismol pink hotel I'm to stay in if I go to the Kona coffee belt region.

Felt 100x more comfortable at this place. Was able to relax. Squeaky island trucks pass, but I was comfortable just making my presence known. I'm starting to get my wits about me, too.

Then, a car pulls in. To my spot. Do they see me? It's about 10pm now, but people come to fish pretty late. And the person gets out and starts on with a flashlight, so I can't see anything. I say hey and she goes "Hi, I'm Ashley." She was there to fish, and shared with me something I'd just ran out of. We hung out and laughed for a bit which was a nice break from the stray cat like relationship with society I've been having.

I woke up and just sat and watched the waves crash into the crags of the fractured lava rock. The lava rock turns a pink fleshy color where it is washed by the ocean, like flesh left in water might. The waves push an enormous amount of water onto the ledges, and then it rushes off, over and over. And just the power of the moving water is memorizing. Finally the sun hit the water and then its ON. So amazing. Swimming upside down. Sunlight filtering through aquamarine water. On a lava black backdrop. Reef fishes aplenty.

I see jimmy rock, the van-living beach guy.. I met him here at K-bay with the Ahu Lani group a month ago and he made us dinner. He's like me, but he has a van and is in it for the long haul. He'd broke down and has been sitting at the bottom of the valley for 5 days. Was nice to catch up. Then, on my walk to the beach park a local kid offers me a ride and takes care of me (even some for later!). It's little acts like that that fill me up to the brim. People are nice down here, and they watch out. That same kid ended up picking me up again later, too.

I get to the rocky bay a mile from the campsite and I see dolphins. In reach. Now its on. I get on my goggles and get in the water. Except I'm getting picked up and set into the rocks. Ouch. Then, waves bigger than I know what to do with. Then, damn! those dolphins looked a lot closer from land...

I fled. I'm not gonna push it alone that shit is scary. I at least need fins so I have some power, I didn't see anyone else trying without gear. Oh well. Anyway, I hate drowning.

I noticed I forgot my necklace so I had to go back (I'm walking on blisters now) and get it from my campsite. I chilled for a few more hours with Ashley and her puppy. Then hit the road to my hostel.

Oi 2 days ago I got stuck in Kailua-Kona, the vortex where you always spend more money and time than you anticipate. And I ended up in a HOTEL. Ouch $. I made sure to enjoy every minute of it, and had something I haven't since I left for Hawai'i on May 2nd, 2011: a bath. A candlelit bath. I took advantage of every amenity I could and took a moment to clean my room and leave behind some aloha, which as always has paid off in spades.


I read this thing by the guy from Owl City about introversion. A pugnacious piece about how extroversion centric our society is. He opened my mind a tiny little bit because I'd never thought of being... proud of my introversion? Of the inner world?

And that's what I'm here to do, I'm seeing. I set off, in a way, to learn how to be decent to people. I'm tired of being an angsty asshole. And I'm seeing some.. value in giving some dignity to my inner world. I usually just treat it like a dumping ground, dragging it for something of value to the external world. What can I bring up from here that's of worth to someone else?

Truly, I feel like I've been laying out my wares on a sheet on the sidewalk and asking if others like anything I have. (read: desperately -- please, please like what I have!) And it feels like an urgent need. Like, I need someone to validate this stuff for me. Of course I know my history and once someone does, they are of no use to me! Selfish, insatiable ego.

On the beach I have time to just sit with my emotions. Watch them arise, pass away. Rise, pass away. I'd say the meditation retreat has really given me more flexibility in this area -- I'm not so reactive. I can "see the other side" of an unpleasant feeling more easily, so I don't need to be so freaked out / change what I'm doing just because of it. There is a familiarity that comes from simple awareness that, seemingly without any intention, leads to making better choices. On the beach there are no easy distractions. No easy escape. (And importantly: no will-power drain in trying to avoid distractions, either.)

And once I'm feeling OK in my internal space, I can take-it-or-leave-it when it comes to other people. And it turns out if I just chill out and find my places where I'm comfortable, I'll find people. Or they find me, as happened. I also met a young lady traveler at the hostel who uses words like 'analogous' both casually and correctly, which gets me going. Nice to be reminded there are 'right people' out there, even without our paths converging further (but, there's still time!) And to be present enough to have a real conversation, confident to take risks and not be "impressive," is a thing.

Finally, for those of you out in blog wasteland with me 3 pages below the fold, I went to ecstatic dance last night. It's something I've had to do for a while now, from Jenni, who planted in me the idea I can't shake: that which you resist, you should do. I decided I would, but I'd go alone.

Ecstatic dance is.. dancing. Without talking, and with some interaction if you want. But it's just supposed to be free dancing. We all hold hands in a circle and set an intention to open.

The dance was what I expected, new age music with old white folks making huge arm gestures. It was nerve-wracking at first, then easy enough. It's all an experience in self-consciousness. Trying to have a "natural" reaction to the music through/past/during the awareness of being in public (or private -- ever try to dance like an idiot in private and feel embarrassed? What is that??) For the upbeat songs it was downright fun.

I'm aiming to go to the bigger, outdoor one this Sunday. In Puna on the other side of the island.

Wet

I lost my little flashlight, and I remembered that as I was hitching to the beach. But I decided my cell phone would be enough.

I camped at Makalawena beach, which requires miles of some rough walking over lava. When I arrived I saw the place swarming with locals, and the caretaker gave a 'Hui' to get my attention, except he was old and it was more of a "hoooouuwwwhheeeeezzeee." He hobbled over to me and asked that I was passing through. He's the guy who watches the house down there and fends off people like me -- he's got a reputation on yelp. I handled him and scurried on.

I hiked a good ways off the main beach to the little private slice I'd discovered last time I was here. Not unknown to all, it is at least well off the trail. I was still nervous that someone would come, and was checking incessantly. I'm getting wary from this. It's hard on the body, all those stress chemicals being pumped in over and over. I nearly worked myself into a wreck. Noises from the ocean waves, or lights from airplanes passing right overhead to the nearby airport. All of it rattles me.

I meditated for an hour, and wrote. I forgot that I need to keep writing outside of this blog. With an audience and some expectation to be linear, not to mention that I'm sharing all this through facebook and with my real name online, I can't let loose in the same way. It was good.

With my perspectives loosened up a bit I pondered how I got this idea in my mind to go on walkabout during the meditation retreat and it stuck. I 'saw' what I really want? I'm not sure. I had such clarity that I feel accountable to following through, to do this. I made the decision and I've stuck with it. So when I earlier asked "Is this a thing?" the answer is: this is a thing that I'm doing.

Watching what I do out there, and watching my fears, my nervous scanning... feels important.


3AM. Rain.

I haven't had to deal with rain, proper rain, camping here. I camp real light - A tarp halved over my sleeping bag. And I knew I was in for a humbling..

So I pull my backpack in to sleep with me and "secure" everything. Quickly, a pool of collected near my head and top of backpack. Then a stream. This isn't working at all; if anything the tarp is acting as a liner for my new beachside pool.

I accept my fate to be soaked myself and go in to save the gear. Within moments I'm drenched. And picture now this asshole using his cell phone as a flashlight in the rain. Oi. My sleeping bag is done, towel done, main bag and laptop and phone seem OK.

The rain comes down for maybe 20 minutes as I shiver under a tree, taking what comforts I have. I enjoy the ocean waves a moment. And reflect on the fact that I'm not unhappy or even all that stressed. Its people who stress me out.

Finally it subsides and I'm chilling at 3:30AM with all my sleeping gear soaked, shoes soaked, self soaked. Spirits high, but this is a great example of why my wrist is doomed to never get better -- In those moments I'm not so focused on that. And who am I kidding, getting in and out of hitch rides and carrying my bag in general hasn't been great.

So I try to make a fire but everything is wet. I remember I have a magazine and I use that. Slowly but surely I get a roaring fire with good, hot coals. My backpack is starting to dry. Still, I never get any real sleep but for a nap here or there. Wary.

I had to stay a lot later than I like in order for everything to dry. Somewhat of a suicide mission at this beach, where I've got ~3 miles of lava trail to walk and I'm waiting until peak sun to do it. That and I'm still nervous at being discovered.. But, as I'm doing a forward bend and taking some deep breaths, from upside down and between my legs I see.. dolphins jumping out of the ocean! Dolphins! This got me cheering. My first ever sighting. At least 50 of them, playing, jumping, spinning, flipping. The pod went by quickly but it made my long morning. This after watching whales breach, tail slap and blow water the night before.

I pack and finish my water(!) and make the grueling trek out of there. By the grace of Pele, I get a ride at the highway before I'm able to even set my bag down. That doesn't happen too often, but to have it happen right when I needed it.... nice.

Oi! I'm exhausted and I'm crying uncle! A bed! A shower! Hostel time...

Secret paradise beach prison

Yesterday after getting supplies at the Mauna Lani resort village, I hitched to the highway, and then again to mile marker 79. I had seen this oasis of palm trees in the distance before and decided that was the day to find out what it was. No signage, only a turnoff that has been blocked by boulders and a few cars parked there.

The walk is like this. The barbed wire there is part of a barrier around all the trees I saw from the distance. Strange. I wrote down what the place was called and am going to look it up. Its either for a celebrity, a super rich, or perhaps its on a cultural basis that this land is blocked off.

So I get there and... seems I've been here before! A few months into my stay here a girl, Kristi, showed me around several places, including "lone palm" black sand beach. (Internet says its called Ke-awa-iki Beach) What a place. The waves stack the pebbles a lot higher than they do sand, so they break really steep. Then as the water flows back, you can hear all the pebbles clicking against each other as well as the water rushing through the cracks in the stones. Something else.

Got in some water time. Was able to breathe and relax a bit. That's when I enjoy the ocean most, when I can just calm down and move slowly and be aware. I can get a high off that for sure. Purrty fishes and coral. On my way back, I was startled by a sea turtle but I forgave it.

Exploring, I found a dude on a much more secluded beach. He looked like maybe he lived there. Later, on my way back through I explored this random trail behind the beach and came upon him apparently bathing in some weird... oasis in the middle of the a'a lava rock. Endless dry, jagged rocks, then fresh water and trees? I let him be, thinking he lived there. I looked it up and it turns out that is a not widely known spring, which feeds the trees. Too cool. I'll have to go and explore more, but I'll have to find better camping because...

Around 7:30 I returned to the lone palm beach, once it was suitably dark and visitors would have left.

I set myself up last night right below the lone palm. Sounds come from the water, all of the sounds. So many sounds you can hear things that aren't there. What I think must be Venus cast a reflection on the water. I was surprised how much light came from a planet. Clouds wrapped the horizon and overhead I had a perfect view of the milky way. Saw a few shooting stars. Then, I saw it: high-beams a quarter mile away. I'd seen cars all about in the distance, but this one, around the other end of the bay... was apparently on the same path I was on. It started cruising down right after I'd set up. It was dark, so I know it wasn't specially for me. In a hurry I balled my sleeping bag into my tarp, grabbed my slippers, got my unruly backpack on and scurried to just off the main area to a little depression ('puka') behind a lava rock. Just in time and scared kind of shitless. I don't know what goes on down here, or what this place is really about with the weird prison-camp-oasis look going on.

The SUV parked under the palm I had just been set up at and I hid for a bit after the lights went out, before finding my way to a slope that seemed less visible, but still comfortable. Then, the lights came back on. They'd probably seen me moving, I thought -- I used my cell phone for light. They drove off. Finally.

Then, not long after, another pair of lights shine from across the bay. This one was faster and brighter. An ATV with a flashlight. They stopped at the palm and... flashed the light around, and repeatedly up the palm. Did they think I was up there? Or was I mistaken they were looking for me? I think they were. At this point I was incognito as best I could -- my gear was positioned on a slope behind lava, and I was flat in my sleeping bag with my brown tarp folded over me. Such that when they pulled closer, a lot closer and their highlights were on me and I thought for sure the gig was up... they shined the flashlight around on the other shore.... and off they went.

I was pretty terrified and thrilled. I'd evaded some officious beach patrolman I'm sure. I'm glad to camp discretely. Entertained fantasies of being some wilderness soldier who can travel invisibly. Fell asleep.

Woke to a sprinkle of sea water across my face. I was surprised, but occasionally a little lick of a wave would extend up over the plateau I'd found. Not knowing anything about the ocean or if I'd wake up in it, I decided to move again, this time around midnight. I found another somewhat hidden slope and slept till morning.

A long night but very rewarding. I had some time to sit. I found nice private places to chill. And that beach was powerful.. felt exhilarated to be there. And (re)found a new area, one few people know about. But it's tense. Sleeping like that. Nervous.

I hit the road early to another beach, Spencer's, so I could shower, then up to Waimea for coffee. I had 4 rides, with maybe 2 hours wait. But I have new radiolab on my iPod and its starting to sink in to a deeper level: I have nowhere to be. I can take all the time in the world. So there's no reason to be anxious. (I don't let that stop me though.)

The difference between homeless and homed is funny. I mean, I'm camping, right? What makes this not just camping is my plans for the next few days. But I have a job and I could choose to be homed again in a day.

Who am I answering to when I worry about that?

When do the things I've done before "expire," and this becomes who I really am?

I'm looking forward to a prearranged bed in a house tonight. This really nice kid is hosting me and the other 4 ahu lani wwoofers after the show tonight. I'm taking a bus from here to Honoka'a, not hitching. I'm comforted by a schedule, a plan. After that maybe I head down to South Kona and try to swim with dolphins finally. Stay in a hostel one night. And visit my favorite place on the island, Kealakekua Bay.

Gear has been a pain. I'm at capacity, so getting at things can be a hassle. It can be embarrassing in a Starbucks, looking for my powercord. I have items everyone has, but it's context: No one else has has their toothbrush and 2 water bottles and a zip log bag of toiletries out at Starbucks while getting their computer cord. Or making a PB+J sandwich along the highway. Or shaving at the beach park shower. You have to take certain private things and make them public. All of my private is in a bag next to me.

In exchange, there are supremely private moments out on the coast. Moments when I can define a beautiful world in terms I understand.

My mom told me maybe I'd get more rides if I got a haircut. So today, I've posted a picture of the beach.

haha I kid.. love you mom. =)

Charging three devices in the coffeeshop

It's kind of awkward.

It took nearly 2 hours to catch a ride this morning. That was tough and made me start to fret about doing this. Fret because, I'm supposed to do this every day? This is miserable. I'm mostly out of water, and have no caffeine. And, what am I doing? And, I'm nearly 27?! And, is this a thing?

Equanimity is a Buddhist meditation concept. To be objective. To watch our experience without judgement... to literally be focused and aware of just what something feels like. A co-meditator said his sitting pain went away when he became completely aware of what it felt like to be a bone, his sit bone.

Last night I was camping right next to the gay beach. I wandered into the wrong cove and saw a penis on accident. I don't think it saw me. I guess guys come up here and, well, do what I'd do if that was my thing. But it made for feeling vulnerable, or at least not private, 'cause I'd look behind me and see a guy eying whether I was just camping or there for the party. Then, I worried about Hawaiian fisherman who come and fish at night. A truck pulled up at 10pm and I, rather than freeze as I might usually, opened my cell phone and made a point to reveal I was there. A camping haole doesn't have much over local boys there to fish. I took the prime spot on the bluffs and I knew that, but it was the only spot somewhat safe from mistaken propositions. The truck pulled away to a different spot.

In the middle of playing defense by body language, a Chinese guy pulls up in his jeep, walks up to me and asks me a tourist question. His little girl wanders to the bluffs' edge to look at the water, a mere football field from sunning dick. Makes me laugh. I'm in what I feel to be a mildly hostile environment and a sightseer rolls in with naive confidence.

Funny, the pests I face out here.

Some triumphs. Someone told me box wine bags make great pillows and they do!

I'm a bit unnerved at the moment, but I'll have to roll with that. I'm also still in my comfortable area of the island, where oddly I'm more likely to be wary. Novelty gives me courage? Or I don't know better in a new area. Either way, I grow increasingly sheepish when I stay in one spot. I'm staying nearby though because a Medicine for the People concert in Honoka'a that I'm going to. I know I'm meant to go to other areas of the island but I don't know how to make it work there. Yet. It's new. I need novelty but it scares me.

So funny to watch the transitions in the day. 6-8am I'm all fretting, standing in a desert wasteland, watching a beautiful sunrise I'm too @#&$@ to appreciate. Finally, finally I get a ride from Levi, a nice guy who cleans pools. Get some coffee in me and get to writing and I feel a fair bit better. Impermanence.

I only have my laptop camera now, I'm afraid I got sand in my point and shoot a while ago. So pictures will be basically watching to see if this is killing me. haha. Or not. I swear, moments like sunset last night, when the sky explored orange and pink onto grey/turquise water and desert landscape... all the while the sun itself hiding behind a band of dense clouds over the horizon adding mystery to the whole thing. The air was full of vog, which added a dreamlike quality. Oi. (Then comes too the pain of not sharing it with someone, and then the subsequent debate in my head about how when someone is here it's never like I'd imaged it'd be. Then, a thought about remaining equanimous.)

Anyway, business to attend. I have to meditate, too. I didn't feel comfortable enough to last night, and I got outta dodge before sunrise, so I haven't done it at all. I can easily fall into "intellectual entertainment," or a "game of sensations," if I'm not careful. I learned that actually sitting is key, and I'm either doing it or I'm not. Practice the technique. The rest are trinkets (which I collect like Hoggle from Labyrinth, unfortunately.)

Is this a thing

I'm going to see if 'walk about' is a thing. And I'm going to blog about it, not least because I need someone to talk to, even if its an audience in my head.

I finished a 10 day meditation retreat last week. During the 'tent time' I decided to hit the road and meditate. With a part time job I can work a few/ten hours a week from a cafe and enjoy beach and whatnot.

It's funny to look back on when doing this was just a muddled whisper. I mean 10 years ago, I had this thought about traveling and working like this. But figured I'd never be able to pull that off. I mean, how would I chase that goal? The idea of moving, dealing with my stuff, making new friends, finding such a job, and just the terrifying ambiguity of a new hell... I'd never have gone for it. And I didn't. But I came here and it has just come together like this. And it was doing the meditation where my fears fell away long enough to see what I want and to take this step. Leaving Ahu Lani wasn't easy, but it was past due.

And who knows. Is this a thing? I'm going to be sleeping on rock, or when I'm lucky, sand. Showering outside. Eating only food that doesn't require cooking. Being alone a lot. Putting my body through some rough movements given my apparent frailty (wrist injury still persistent; am on search for healer.)

But... it's the Big Island. Showering outside after a swim in the ocean during sunrise, and sometimes the water is warm from sun on the pipes. Fruit is plentiful and all you need on beach mornings. And being alone...

That's why I started this blog. I'm going to be alone but the hardest part of that emotion seems to be the feeling of being forgotten. That I'm out on this rock and unless someone knows me, I'm lost. I'm not adverse to facing this particular emotion... it'll come. And I'll be curious to see how journaling in this way permeates my mind... how many times I'll think, word, and re-word things I'll anticipate writing about my experience. Basically, how often I'll have fantasies where I'm real clever.

I know this island well enough now to take care. My own obstacle is in my head I'm sure. And my wrist :/ That will be a challenge. I have time to take consideration but lets face it... I need to use it some. And its not getting better. And thats all I have worked out about it. It's a tense situation I've chosen to endure without rationalization. Funny, though: its just the type of thing an excuse can latch onto, should I quit before I'm done.

Got a hot fifty from the coinstar and I'm ready to get in the water.